Invading Your Privacy Policy

Thank you for visiting Facts Optional! The time you spend reading this blog means the world to us and reinforces our belief that you have way too much time on your hands.

We’ve made some recent changes to our Privacy Policy and, as always, want to make sure you are aware of and completely befuddled by these changes. We’ve tried to keep it simple, but if you’re not familiar with terms like cookies, IP addresses, pixel tags and browsers, then what business do you have even using a computer? I mean, really — you don’t know what “cookies” are? What kind of Dickensian household did you grow up in that your mom never tossed a warm Toll House or even a broken Oreo your way?

Information We Collect

We collect information from our visitors so we can better understand basic stuff like what tickles your funny bone to more complex insights such as your cholesterol ratio and when you last had sex. We collect information in two ways:

  1. Without your permission. This information is collected largely by making phone calls to your employer and/or family members. It’s amazing how quickly we can get people to pony up all sorts of dirt about you just by claiming to be a “good friend” of yours, coupled with the offer of a 2-for-1 coupon at Amato’s for speaking with us.
  2. Without your knowledge. You know those little cameras built into every monitor, laptop, tablet and smartphone? Did you know they can be turned on remotely? You really should have that mole on your back looked at.

When you read a post on our site, we may automatically collect information such as:

  • If you laughed.
    • If so, how often and when.
    • If not, the length of the stick up your butt.
  • Your location (prone on the couch, or perched on the toilet).
  • If you’re a picker or a scratcher.
  • Who you voted for in the last presidential election.
  • What you had for dinner.
  • How much you drink (you drink a LOT!).

Privacy and Security

People have different privacy concerns. Well, on second thought – everyone has pretty much the same reasonable expectation of privacy, it’s just that some are more anal about it. There are those who live their lives like an open book, sharing every cat video and recipe for tater tot casserole. Others are more guarded, operating on a “need-to-know” basis and unwilling to come out of the closet when for cripes’ sake who doesn’t know already… you’ve had a same-sex “roommate” for how many years?

To check your browser’s privacy settings, go to Preferences -> Settings -> Security -> Internet Options -> Privacy -> Advanced Settings -> Reset -> Internet Options Again -> Page Up… wait, what were we trying to do? The best way to protect your privacy is to choose a secure password. A secure password uses a mix of upper and lower case letters, numbers, characters, raconteurs, spices and colors. For maximum security and peace of mind, change your passwords every 30 minutes.

We follow other state of the art protocols, including:

  • Two-step verification: “Who are you?” followed by “What did you say your name was again?”
  • Guarding against compromise of your personal information through the use of physical security systems when necessary, but first we try to talk you out of making a bad choice and thinking about the consequences of your actions before we get medieval on your heinie.
  • Restricting access to your information to a select group of employees, contractors, agents, accountants, retail clerks, inmates and gossip columnists.

Your Rights

You signaled your agreement with our Terms of Service through reading this sentence. Acceptance of such terms means, as a result of viewing any of the blog posts herein, you have forfeited your right to launch any legal action claiming fraud, deceptive practices, loss of income or hearing, weight gain, constipation or death by chocolate. Complaints regarding the content, spelling, language and/or fonts found on this site shall be settled through an arbitration process that favors our side exclusively. Comments posted on this site are subject to review and may result in launch of either a civil action or home invasion, so did you really mean to say that??

Further updates to our Privacy Policy will remain private, since you don’t need to know. Believe us — we know what’s best for you. And it’s certainly not that hairstyle.

John Branning

About John Branning

Besides what I contribute here, you can also ignore some of my earlier posts by not visiting my website,, as well as by not purchasing a copy of my books: “Selfie-Facing: Analog Musings in a Digital World,” which made the list of "The Best Self-Published Books of 2016" as seen on the Huffington Post, and my latest, "Keys To The Truculent Me."