Here’s the seventh article in my series: “Tell Your Disruptive Business Model To Quiet Down Or Else We’re Going To Have To Ask The Two Of You To Leave.”
Today’s installment offers templates for workplace policies addressing the most common employee issues you encounter. You are welcome to make use of these at no cost. Well, I say “at no cost” but believe me — if you implement any of these you’ll certainly pay in the long run.
RESPECT IN THE WORKPLACE
We do not tolerate any harassment based on gender, age, race, color, national origin, ancestry, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, pregnancy, physical or mental disability, and religion.
That doesn’t leave you much to choose from (all that’s left: outdated hairstyle; annoying speaking voice; height or lack thereof), so choose your moments with precision, make your digs small and sharp and then — walk away; don’t look back.
ATTENDANCE AND ABSENTEEISM
Each employee is an important contributor to the company’s mission (we have to say this) and each employee is needed at work to assist in the accomplishment of the company’s goals and objectives — whatever they may be; I’ve misplaced my little wallet-sized card that spells them out. Absenteeism can lower the morale of other employees who have to perform the work of the absent employee. (Except when that guy from Marketing with the horrible b.o. calls out — everyone breathes a sigh of relief.)
Daily attendance is an expectation of all employees — other than members of the Leadership Team, who spend three out of every four weeks either at a convention in Las Vegas or an “off-site” on St. Simons Island.
Emergency time off is offered to employees for such unscheduled events as personal illness (real or imagined), immediate family member sickness (which does not include your cousin who is “like a sister” to you), and doctor appointments (which always seem to require you to leave work right after lunch and take the rest of the afternoon).
We expect employees to dress appropriately in business attire. Because our work environment sees frequent visits from customers, clients, the public and investigators from the SEC, professional business attire is essential to keeping up the charade.
Business attire for men includes suits (but please avoid sharkskin; see “SEC” in the preceding paragraph), sports jackets, and pants that are typical of business formal attire at work (as opposed to business formal attire worn around the house over the weekend). For women, business attire includes pant and skirt suits and sports jackets appropriate to a formal business attire environment, along with an unruly and overly-shiny pin affixed to a lapel. For those who are gender-fluid — we just throw our hands up in the air; it’s your call so please don’t sue us. Regardless of identity: underwear is always required and preferably worn next to the skin.
Employees are expected to demonstrate good judgment and professional taste. Of course, expectations here are very low and therefore we often let it slide when someone wears flip-flops or black shoes with brown socks.
INTERNET AND EMAIL USE
Voice mail, email, and Internet usage assigned to an employee’s computer or telephone extensions are intended solely for the purpose of conducting Company business. But we all know the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Online shopping, gaming, watching streaming media such “Game Of Thrones,” wagering on fantasy sports websites and viewing pornography are examples of behavior that must be handled discreetly and only when you think no one else is watching.
Company employees may date, develop friendships and relationships both inside and outside of the workplace as long as the relationships do not negatively impact work. However, the Company discourages employees from having relations inside of the workplace; that’s not what the “Mother’s Room” is for. Any relationship that interferes with the company culture of teamwork, the harmonious work environment or the productivity of employees, will be addressed by applying the progressive discipline policy. Any relationship that results in daily drama at the level of a soap opera will be gossiped about and result in the use of separate tables in the cafeteria for the convenience of “us” versus “them.”
The exception to this policy relates to managers and supervisors. Managers and supervisors can get away with all kinds of shit; HR is completely useless when salaried positions are involved in the shenanigans.
REPORTING VIOLATIONS OF THESE POLICIES
Any employee who witnesses or is victimized by a violation of company policy is encouraged to snitch report it without fear of retribution. You can anticipate retribution; just don’t fear it.
Employees wishing to make such a report anonymously are kidding themselves can call the Company Hotline at 1-888-FULL-VOICEMAIL. However, use of a personal cell phone during working hours is a violation of company policy and will result in disciplinary action up to and including being pelted with overripe tomatoes, or being assigned to a project doomed to fail until you decide to resign in order to “pursue other interests.” We wish you well in your next endeavor.
Your electronic signature here indicates your acceptance of and commitment to blind obedience with these policies. Additionally, you are also waiving your right to sue, seek remediation, request restitution or other redress, or drop the f-bomb in response to anything that happens in the workplace.
Welcome to the team!